Kamikaze Biography

Jeremy myers is 22 year old professional MMA fighter. He uses the fact that he is a “pro fighter” (despite having what can only be described generously as an average record) as his excuse to forego college. Not only to skip out on college, but also to have anything going for him at all. He describes his style as “‘muay thai/ground and pound” despite having what can at best be described as mediocre wrestling skills. The only thing he has going for him is that he keeps somehow finding himself surrounded by awesome coaches and training partners. But even they can only do so much with such a mediocre talent.

Jeremy feels that since he has gone pro, he needs a website. Like he is fucking justin bieber or something. Probably more of an ego boost than anything. He will probably make business cards with the link to this site on them and hand them out to girls at clubs while bragging about his exploits as a professional athlete. Jeremy is known for his love of tapout t-shirts, hats, and of course his favorite band, nickelback. He loves how chad and the gang would never sell out for mainstream success.

As an amateur, Jeremy managed to not fuck up his career too badly and put together a record of 11-3. He picked up solid wins over 2010 NAAFS amateur 135 champ Isiah Chapman, Cornelius Godfrey, as well as Ben Mcqueary. He was the last reigning warfare fight series 145 pound champ, former ICF 145 pound champ, Absolute Action mma 135 champ as well as the First Strike Combat 135 pound champion and finished his amateur career as midwest combats #1 ranked 135er in ohio. Since then he has managed to con his way to some sponsorships by using terms like “can’t miss prospect” and the “next big thing”. What a joke. Regardless the following companies fell for the bit: Ranger Up, School of Fight, Tucker Max , and Jessie Villars of Blue Byrd Tattoo. And you could be next!

He has trained out of renowned Walker MMA, Vision Dayton, and now Relson Gracie Austin. You are probably thinking, with fighters like Robert Walker Jr, Neal Craft, Brandon Suber, Matt Tincher, Yancy Martin, Brett Ewing, Mohammed Abdulla, and Kyle Lingg as training partners, how the fuck does this random, piss poor fighter come out of such solid camps? Well, maybe showing up once every two weeks and complaining about money problems and injuries from last practice are what caused it. He actually wanted to write his own bio, but after posting an unrealistic street fighting record of 110-2-1-1 (both losses were of course, when he was “jumped” and I am not sure how you tie or receive a no contest in a street fight) and his phone number for “all you single ladies” we decided to intervene and post the facts.

Jeremy’s intense training regimen consists of watching episodes of Walker Texas Ranger, eating chili cheese french fries and fritos, guzzling an insane amount of Mountain Dew, and getting repeatedly submitted at bjj practice.

His pro career after six fights is at a crossroads, with a record of 3-3. His wins are a submission win over Matt Montalvo, a TKO victory of Quinn broomfield, and a unanimous decision over Steven Durr. Losses are by way of submission to Jason Hayden, split decision to JP Jaranowski, and unanimous decision to Jake Grigson. Expect more of the same in the way of less than stellar performances from Mr. Myers in the near future, as even as I re-write the bio he just finished writing about himself without his knowledge, he is stuffing his face with pizza and taking the day off due to “stiff neck”.

Social Media

My brother recently posted on facebook that he had a project to do with the idea being “How Social Media Affects Something”. I decided to write a small paper regarding this because a few things immediately came to mind. Seeing as how this will not be graded I will structure it however I want, and will probably make the structuring slightly annoying on purpose just to bother people who are uptight enough to be bothered by things like that.

1)  Social media seems to have an affect on certain girls’ ability to not purse their lips into a duck face when taking pictures…..before myspace/facebook/etc….(yes, commas should have been used as opposed to “slash marks” or whatever the official name is, but keep in mind that I am not being graded, and therefore do not care. Probably wouldn’t care even if I was being graded) you would very rarely see a duckface. Most pictures were taken in simply either the “smiling” or “not smiling” pose. Now, take this little test: imagine all of your female friends who have a facebook. Ok, now picture the one or two with the least self esteem. Once you have done this look at their profile pictures, and prepare to be duckfaced to death. Thanks social media!

II) That’s right. Roman numerals. Here is a positive one: It helps you to remember people’s birthdays, even if you do not give a shit. Thanks facebook, for letting me know that it is Dustin Yascavage’s birthday. I mean, we all know Dustin Yascavage is the fucking man, I am in no way denying this but what am I supposed to do with this bit of information? Write happy birthday bro with way too many exclamation points after it along with his other 800 facebook friends? No thanks.

C) I will wrap it up with this one because of my short attention span and the fact that besides numbers, letters, and roman numerals, I really cannot think another way to list something. This one is my favorite. Facebook is a great way to “anonymously” send someone a very direct message, that anyone else you are friends with can easily figure out if they are perceptive at all. Have you ever seen a status like “Hmmmm, its funny you accused me of stuff, come to find out it was you all along. Being single sounds pretty bomb right about now ;)” Fucking winky face. Anyway, lets see if we can’t decipher this impossible code…….well seeing how it references being single as a result of the before mentioned statement i am going to go out on a limb and assume this is directed at your significant other and since you are not single just yet, I will check your relationship status and see the person you are directing this towards. Now, what offense would be breakup worthy that it is likely your significant other may have accused you of? I am stumped. Couldn’t be cheating could it? Way to put it out there for the world to see, that isn’t personal business or anything. But you are justified in your actions because “you didn’t use his name or say what he did”. On the flipside of this, if the asshole cheated on you and you want to get him/her back by outing him/her to the world then actually do it and do not try to imply things so you still come as classy.

One more example: The sympathy status. “Nothing I ever do is enough, giving up, peace out facebook”….or how about “So done with this life….” obviously imploring people to dig a little deeper and find out what is wrong with you. How about I save you all the trouble, they need attention, have no friends, and want you to feel sorry for them. My advice is to comment on the status and re-iterate what they said. That way they get the attention they so desperately crave, as well as validation of what they said(and who can get mad at you for agreeing with them?)and maybe, just maybe if we are all lucky and enough people re-iterate the fact that yes they are pathetic, and they should in fact stop trying because it is all in vain anyway, then they will take the appropriate action to ensure we never have to have another one of their sympathy statuses pop up in our newsfeed again…..and by appropriate action I may or may not be referring to suicide…….

The Tapout Effect

The worst thing to happen to the sport of mixed martial arts outside of the movie “Never Back Down” is MMA apparel. The biggest culprit is Tapout. Now when I say worst thing, I do not not mean financially or anything like that, Tapout and other God awful fight clothing brands rise in popularity has probably worked financial wonders for the sport. What I mean, is that it has created what I will refer to as “The Tapout Effect”

Every sport has apparel. And I take no issue with the apparel of any other sport. If you like the Packers, and AJ Hawk is your favorite player then wear a freakin’ Hawk jersey. I don’t give a shit. Wear your gray Cincinnati Reds T-Shirt Kyle, it fits well and shows your passion for the Reds. It is simply a way for you show your allegiance to your favorite team or player or whatever.

Now that the disclaimers are out of the way: When Kyle wears his Reds shirt, he doesn’t assume that he is a player on the Cincinnati Reds team. He doesn’t walk around or carry himself any different while wearing his Reds shirt than he does while wearing any other shirt. But for some reason, when an MMA fan throws on a Tapout shirt, suddenly he is a high level professional fighter who is looking for confrontation. Awesome. I mean who doesn’t love when a douchebag with a gelled mohawk, and Kimbo Slice Tapout Shirt  walks into the bar and gets liquored up watching fights, then ends up getting into one himself in the parking lot afterwards. I just do not understand this effect. Imagine if someone put on a football jersey and walked around tackling people. It would be annoying as hell right? So I offer you two pieces of advice: 1) Do not assume the characteristics of a very angry fighter with a chip on his shoulder when you put on a “fight shirt” and more importantly 2) Don’t wear fight shirts.

Nickelback Argument

After years of openly bashing Nickelback to anyone who will listen it is finally time for me to explain why. At first, I thought that their music was reason enough for me to not have to explain myself, but their continued success simply shows me that an explanation is necessary. There are not many things in this world I am more passionate about or sure of than that of the lack of musical talent exhibited by Nickelback. I will use my trademark half bullet, half outline, half  there is absolutely no logical order to what this fuckhead is writing format.

A) Chad Kroeger-  His real name is Chad Turton by the way. If you are going to pick a fake name to sound cool, then why the hell would you choose Kroeger? For one, its a little close to Krueger for my liking. But that is appropriate considering how Freddy Krueger kills you in your nightmares, and Chad gives you nightmares. Maybe they are in cahoots, I try not to keep up with Chad’s business ventures so I really don’t know. I said “for one” before I considered that I should probably at least one other point regarding his name thought up, but I don’t.
1) He has gross, thin hair, and has it bleached so it looks like someone dropped a jizz bomb on it.
2) Lyrics.  I will give him credit in that at least he writes his own unlike a lot of current teen sensations. But dear God, when your lyrical content is as shallow and cliche as his what the hell is the point?
The following are ACTUAL LYRICS from popular Nickelback songs:
Never made it as a wise man
Couldnt cut it as a poor man stealin’
And this is how you remind me
Well Chad, being a “wise man” is not a legitimate career, so I am in no way surprised that you were unable to make it in this field, and you “couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin’”? That was your second choice? To being a wise man? Just to make sure I have this right…career choice number one: wise man. And if that doesn’t work out you will steal while being poor? Got it. I rest my case.

One more:
Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey’s head?

Chad, your eyes were not actually that red. It is an effect caused by the flash of your camera. And it is a pretty easy fix, it can easily be removed using photoshop. And yes “head” rhymes with “red”, but the last line just seems to be a filler because you couldn’t think of anything better to say.

B) Commitment to mainstream success- I am not saying Nickelback is the only band who creates songs strictly for radio play, they just happen to be the band I have the most personal disdain for. I am not one of those guys who bashes anyone who has commercial success and only listens to “underground” and “indie” music, but I take issue when I see a band unhinge their jaw so that they can open their mouth wide enough to fit the enormous mainstream cock into their mouth which is precisely what they consistently do. Radio songs, with radio choruses, I cannot imagine that someone buys a Nickelback album and after listening to it is just mindblown and claims them to be in any way innovative or thought provoking.

I could easily write all day about how much I do not like them but I think at this point I have written the max that I can write without losing people’s interest and accomplished what I set out to do, which is to have something to point to whenever someone asks me something like “So why do you hate Nickelback so much?”

Edit: After their halftime thanksgiving performance I went on a bit of a twitter rant poking fun at Nickelback and got some interesting comments back. One being that I was a “bandwagon hater”. If you can be a bandwagon hater of a band, they obviously suck. If it is considered cool to hate a certain band, that obviously stems from somewhere. I would like to add that I hated Nickelback before it was cool to hate Nickelback. Case and point: My mother purchased the very first Nickelback CD, and after listening to it, informed me that it sucked and gave it to me in case I might like it. I gave it a chance, also decided it sucked and threw it away.

Random Thought

T IS NEVER APPROPRIATE TO WEAR CAPRIS. A real man will never wear vaginal cut, calf length denim products. Denim pantaloon wear is as follows:
– Jeans should not be overly baggy, nor should they be alarmingly tight
– Strive to give the female species just hint of your crotch bulge area
-The idea is to tantalize them with the pant, not display your goods like a Jamaican fruit market
– Jeans should not be overly ripped or acid washed to yellow colors, remember focus should be on your crotch bulge, not on your pale, unshaved man legs.

Straight from the Mensa certified mind of Benjamin Farias(not actually a member of the Mensa club)

To Cry, or Not to Cry?

Crying is the most outwardly emotional thing a man can do. As mentioned in the “I love you section a man does not put his emotions out for all to see. In the rare cases where crying is authorized it will be in private. Rule number one on crying is no crying in public.

Authorized crying
(1) Championship Situations
When playing in a championship game, win or lose a good cry may be needed immediately following. The emotion expressed in championship moments is one of the few times that showing emotion in a public setting is masculine. Who can forget Michael Jordan collapsed on the floor crying after winning a championship? Did you snicker and wonder why the hell is this guy crying? Of course not, you admired him both for his athletic prowess and his very pure love of the game that was displayed after the championship when he was unashamed of crying because he was so happy.

(2) Death of an immediate family member
When mother/father/brother/sister or other very close relative pass away,crying is acceptable. Along with this crying though you must grow a burly beard as a sign of mourning and to show that you are going through a transitional phase in your life.

Those are the only times when public crying is authorized.

private crying is never encouraged, but is authorized in a few situations.

1. Seperation between yourself and a serious girlfriend(must have been together at least one year to constitute a serious relationship)
2. extreme toe jam- if you slam your big toe or one of the accompanying toes into a table or other piece of furniture you are authorized to lay on the floor and cry if alone. This has to be a very intense, curse word filled cry though and you must punch the object immediately following. This cry is not an emotional cry.
3. Death of family dog-if your dog dies you are authorized tears but not crying. The difference between crying and just tears are the feminine whimpering sounds you make and the quivering lip, when your dog dies neither whimpering sounds or quivering lip are authorized. It is also encouraged to grow a beard with the passing of your dog but only for a short time.

Now that you know the rules of crying, you must also know the rules of seeing other men break these rules by crying in public or otherwise just being pussies. You must point and laugh in a loud and obnoxious way, therefore making that man develop a complex about crying and he will hopefully never feel the need to share his feelings in a pulbic setting ever again. You must also bring up that cry every few months or so in a very public setting as a constant reminder that he cried in public, and that as a man you will not tolerate it.

Straight from the advanced brains of Jeremy Myers and Benjamin Farias, 007

I Love You?

I feel it is my duty to share with you a basic set of rules to operate under for the saying of the following phrase: “I love you.” Also, when I tackle a blog, I don’t fuck around(please note that this is the third post onto this blog today, and I am only just beginnning)

Saying I love you.
When saying the three most heavily weighed words in the english language their are some ground rules that must be kept in mind.
I love you can be freely used when referencing a superstar of
-sports nature
-cinematic nature
-musical nature
When saying to the superstar “I love you” it may never be said in a hushed intimate tone. It can only be yelled and you must insert the word “fucking” between I and love.
e.g; Tim Tebow just throws a touchdown to win the BCS bowl championship, upon seeing Tim in an social setting you may YELL. “Tebow I fucking love you!”
I love you’s may be used freely with your sister or mother. Drop them nonchalantly like one would drop a turd into a toilet, without remorse.
I love you with a female you are romantically associated with.
– I love you can stir passion quite easily in the most morally strong of female types.
-If, by the fifth date with a female type who ranks an 8 out of 10 or above on the foxiness
scale, you have you to achieved brotherhood in the females sisterhood, a man may use
the I love you trap. Walk her to her door and whisper in her ear in a gruff manly tone, “I
Love You.” This will ensure prompt panty removal, daily blow jobs, and near daily
fornication.
I love you with your girlfriend
– If you have secured fornication with your female by the fifth date DO NOT SAY I LOVE YOU ANY TIME SOON.
– Saying those three words with a woman of more questionable moral standards will on ensure you lose that box.
– A man does not put his emotions out for all to see, their is no public “shmoopieness”. As such I love you must only be said
when you can assure yourself that you are not pussy whipped and that your female type attachment can be ensured to be
found in your kitchen cooking you dinner at least twice weekly.
– If by the fourth to sixth month you can be assured of these factors then feel free to drop the “love” bomb. Sex will be assured that nightly
that month
– If after a half year of dating you cannot bring yourself to say these words to your girlfriend then you never will and need to probably stop wasting
money on the broad.

The great words of Mr. Benjamin Farias. Co-Authored by Jeremy Myers

Basic Manscaping Laws

This post will be a quick man law that must be addressed. I hope you enjoy.

Rule: Men should participate in manscaping regularly as per the following rules; in relation to hair on the following body areas/appendages:
Head: We will start with a “bald” head shape. For various reasons one will shave their head to the scalp, i.e; the recent purchase of a kick ass motor cycle, joining a Buddhist monastery, etc. Their are important rules to follow once your head is shaved completely. When having a bald head ones has to remember that looking even remotely unmanly will result in the general perception of a body devoid of any testosterone. Gandhi was a great man but no one wants to look like a penis with spectacles.
1. Any man with a bald head must have some form of facial hair including but not limited to
-phantom chops (being bald but having the sideburn just appear at the ear)
-fu man chu
-goatee
2. A bald head must be constantly waxed. Illustrious sheen will be appreciated much by the
female species, resulting in ogling and head touching.
3. Weight of the bald hair man will not dip below a heft 195. Anyone skinny with a bald head will
look quite fallic.
Short, Medium, and Longer hair styles: Any hair style can be pretty manly, fucking up hair is damn near impossible.
1. NEVER HIGHLIGHT YOUR HAIR. Looking like someone threw a jizz bomb into your lusicous locks is wrong, always.
2. Medium length hair should be kept at the ready with a politician like quaff.

By: Jeremy Myers and Mr. Benjamin Farias

Introduction to The Way of the Man

Think about your childhood hero’s, Batman, Superman, Spiderman, what binds these three childhood idol’s together? It’s their manhood. Growing up a man’s heroes are all men. Look back to your childhood and remember you and your dad, your first memory of you and your old man is something intensely masculine. Fighting grizzlies, bow hunting gorillas, choking out a python, these are the memories me and my dad share. If you and your pop’s share memories similar to this, or you’ve day dreamed about man handling any large ferocious beast into submission then this blog (some may call it a tome) is for you. You’ve already taken the first step into correcting a world that is quickly becoming pervertedly unmasculine, reading this blog. So grab a seat on your porcelain throne, take a manly dump, take your time, and read this blog(Not 100% necessary to be making a bowel movement while reading this blog).

Real quick I am going to sum up the purpose of this blog and then get right into it. I am going to give advice on some topics, and just generally cover man laws and all things masculine, or just bitch and complain about things so I do not have to do it in my daily life. This blog is not meant to be taken completely literally, its meant to be true, but at the same time funny. So take everything with a grain of salt. I don’t need any feminists, or hipsters on my back about the statements I make, you don’t like. Don’t read. That simple.